Finally, another note before this chapter:
– Jinchū is a term from the Rurouni Kenshin series, and translates to ‘Human Punishment’. It means that those whose misdeeds cannot be punished by heaven must be punished by us (humans). It is derived from Tenchū, which means ‘Divine Punishment’.
Uranophane: Thanks for the positive feedback on Chapter 1! It was a rough one for sure, having all these Japanese terms that I’ve never seen before. In chapter 2, there will be a slight style change as I adopt a more fluency-centric writing style as opposed to an accuracy-centric one. This simulates Yen Press’ language and will make the chapter easier to read. Hope you like the chapter.
Rather than trying to find a balance between literal and contextual accuracy, I’ll just tell you that what Iris said was “onii-chan daisuki”. For comparison, Megumin said “anata ga suki desu” in volume 9.
Intermediates (JP->CN): lolihunter2 yukira 叶子 サダメ
Editors: Deus ex-Machina, Keel the Swift
Chapter 2: Jinchū on this Housemate!
When I came to, I was inexplicably standing before the gates of Axel.
With no memory of what had happened.
What the hell, why do I feel as if I had lost something of great importance…?
As if I had lost a family member that I’ve worked so hard to unite with.
What is this feeling of emptiness?
I remember Claire, my greatest enemy, doing something to me…
What happened? Since when did Claire become my greatest enemy?
That girl likes Iris, just like me. If anything, we should be comrades.
Yet for some reason, I feel obliged to take my revenge on Claire.
Say, what happened was probably me staying for one additional night under Iris’ persuasion. After Darkness and company had left, Iris probably told me something very important.
I recall Iris saying…
She… said what again?
What the hell, something is indeed amiss.
I’m not sure what. Nevertheless, I must take revenge against Claire.
It’s as if my primal instinct compels me to do so.
After all, I’m currently determined to fight after reading the children’s letters.
Those people must feel the same way right now.
I made wide strides towards my long-vacant mansion.
We’ve spent several days in Elroad.
I clearly stayed for only about two weeks at the capital, yet it felt like ages since I had left. Why is that?
Contemplating, I arrived at the front door.
Then, as I tried to open the doors…
I found them locked.
How could this be? It’s usually unlocked when people are home.
Taking that into consideration, everyone’s probably out.
They might have gotten too excited and had gone to the Guild for quests.
Although, it shouldn’t be a long wait before they came back.
Or rather, I’d be in big trouble if they don’t come back soon.
I had given all my luggage to Darkness; having not much cash at hand either.
“Huh, my wallet’s gone? Crap, did I lose it somewhere? I don’t remember running much, I must’ve left it somewhere.”
Because I had just returned from Elroad, my wallet was mostly empty from buying gifts.
I could easily buy a new wallet.
Whatever, I shall wait here for a while.
—As I pondered blankly, the sun is already setting.
“S-still not back…! What are those people doing!? Should I go check the Adventurer’s Guild? No, it’d be terrible if I missed them on the way. Plus, going to the guild after waiting adamantly for so long gives me a sense of defeat…”
So, I started messing with Emperor Zell at the pen that’s inside the mansion yard.
The pen has a bed made with many layers of soft, fluffy towels—makes you feel warm just looking at it—as well as food and water. A chick sleeping in such a VIP grade pen is a stark contrast to me who’s locked out of his own mansion.
…Then I suddenly noticed.
“You look bigger than I remember.”
Observing the sleeping Emperor Zell, I knelt before the pen.
Shouldn’t this chick be growing extremely slowly due to his high magical potential?
Although, this is nothing strange coming back from a long trip.
The second-floor window of the mansion flew open as someone yelled at me.
I was tempted to retort by asking what they meant by dragon thief, but then again, I only knew of one person who calls Emperor Zell a dragon.
“Who are you calling a thief? It’s about time you accepted that it’s only a chick. Why not open the door when you’re home? Making me wait thinking that nobody was inside.”
Hearing my reply, Aqua glared at me silently.
“I’m not quite sure what you’re talking about. After talking with Megumin and Darkness, we decided this mansion belongs to the beautiful goddess Aqua‑sama. Darkness has her own mansion in this city, Megumin has her home over at the Crimson Demon village, so the house ended up in my hands. That’s how this mansion became my property. Weren’t you going to live in the castle? Get out! Get out of my yard now!”
“I know you’re usually stupid, but today you’re plain ridiculous. Look at you, what happened to your brain? How about using a little healing magic on your head? If that doesn’t work, I’ll send you to the hospital right away.”
In response, Aqua slammed the second-floor window shut.
I went back around and banged on the front door.
“I’m home! Darkness, Megumin, open the door if you’re home! That idiot Aqua locked me out!”
After my knocking and hollering, the balcony windows directly above me opened.
I thought it was Aqua again, but instead, Megumin and Darkness poked their heads out.
What a relief.
…That feeling was short lived, however.
“If it’s not for the great Kazuma striding leisurely here to see us. Had a great week at the capital?”
Darkness confused me.
“Hahaha, we really are nothing to you…! Being a poser aside, you dare get us to return early then stay alone at the capital… ! Is there a limit to how much of a scumbag you can be!? I never thought you would have the audacity to do that when the mood was so encouraging !”
Said the unreasonably infuriated Megumin from the window as she swung her staff around wildly.
No, wait a second.
“Hey, hold on. What’s that about me staying a week at the capital after you guys returned? What is that supposed to mean? I stayed for another night at most, how did it turn into… huh?”
So weird, I have matters lingering on my mind.
What’s up with this desperate feeling?
Hearing my response, Megumin got even angrier.
“Hey, you’ve got some nerve playing dumb. Wanna see how far my explosion magic can propel someone!?”
As Megumin said such horrifically alarming words, Darkness suddenly tilted her head in confusion.
“…Kazuma, what did you stir up at the capital? You’re likely drugged by the forbidden memory wiping potion that’s seldom used even by the royals. That potion erases memory proportionally with dosage, with a side effect of causing dementia if you’re unfortunate; although, it seems we have nothing to worry about in that department.”
“To me, this guy is already spewing demented lines… Although, memory wiping potion, you say? …Sure enough, Kazuma’s attitude has been strange just then… He couldn’t be faking memory loss to avoid commotion, could he? …However, in case he really did lose his memory, it feels wrong to keep judging him in this state…”
While Megumin still retained some dissatisfaction, she sighed and showed a more forgiving expression.
Even though I still have no clue what went on, by Darkness’ analysis, I seem to have had my memory erased.
“My memory goes as far as bidding farewell. I remember being called to Iris’ bedroom, then…”
To say, although Iris is only my sister, I still went into a girl’s room. How could I have no memory of such an event?
…So that’s how; memory wiping, is it?
Must be due to me discovering some massive national secret out of exceptional luck.
And as a result, the royal court must have argued over how they should sentence me.
Ordinarily, any adventurer who knows a national secret would simply be executed.
But the one with the intel was me.
Leaking such secrets to outsiders would be terrible.
Yet naturally, I was too valuable; there was no benefit in killing an adventurer as crucial to the nation’s well-being as me.
And thus, they had reached a compromise: erasing my memory.
Mhm, it must have been that.
Even I’m gradually starting to trust my own hypothesis.
“Hey, while I can’t be certain, given my tendency to get dragged into grave matters by chance, in all likelihood I must have stumbled upon some important national secret. Then, the royal court probably spent many days deliberating the proper treatment for someone as important as me. During that time, I’m guessing they would have sent half-assed letters under my name to keep you from worrying about my extended stay… Finally, they realized they’d be worse off without me, so they ended up letting me off after wiping my memory. How does this theory sound?”
Having said it aloud, I grew even more confident in my conclusion.
Furthermore, I suspect I knew who was behind it all.
“Hmm… It’s possible…? Besides, I can’t really think of another reason for them to use the memory wiping potion in particular…”
Said Darkness as she forked her fingers against her chin and fell deep in thought.
“Wh-who knows? My instinct tells me that this man may have stayed merely out of his inability to withstand Iris’ cuteness… Although, that wouldn’t explain why his memory was wiped. Hmm…”
With that, Megumin also fell into contemplation.
I then told those two the only idea that came to mind.
“Wasn’t there someone called Claire in the capital? I always had a feeling that she’s the source of all evil. I had gotten along with her quite well thanks to Iris, yet I have an inexplicable hatred and sense of vengeance towards that bitch.”
Hearing my reasoning, Darkness grew serious.
“…Indeed. The head of the Symphonia family does indeed have rights to use the memory potion. Besides, she’s an important figure in the kingdom’s government. I do also remember you being great pals with Claire‑sama… Hmm, this makes the hypothesis even more believable.”
Following Darkness, Megumin said,
“Forget it, having you back safely is good enough. Although, since you haven’t been accompanying me for my explosion walks, you’ll have to start tomorrow as punishment.”
—Starting tomorrow, you must come along for my explosion walks, alright?
That’s probably what Megumin was originally trying to say. (TL note: he means without the ‘as punishment’ part)
“What are you two talking about? Busy being stupid? How braindead do you have to be to believe this shameless, vile NEET? Mark my words, I bet this loliNEET conveniently stayed after hearing something like ‘onii-chan daisuki’ from that Iris. Since life surrounded by maids and butlers is so heavenly, he thought he might as well live his carefree life at the capital and not give a damn about us anymore. It must be true!”
Just when I thought I had wrapped up this matter, that annoying hag messed it up.
I looked up at the three faces on the second storey and said to the unwavering Aqua,
“Hey, don’t be so pessimistic. How could that kind of thing hap…pen…… Huh?”
What was that? Hearing her words just now made me vaguely recall something important.
Observing my reaction, Aqua proudly said,
“See that? For now, you are forbidden from entering the mansion. If you really wish to enter, prostrate before me and say, “I’m sorry Aqua‑sama.”; in addition, you must offer sincere prayers of worship three times a day from here on out. If you won’t, get out of my face! Leave, now! The hell was that, would you stop trying to trick my Darkness and Megumin!?”
As Aqua said such utterly antagonizing lines, she slammed the windows shut.
“What kind of joke is that!? Wait!”
I yelled in a hurry; Aqua, however, was gone, as if she had nothing left to say.
…That despicable woman!
I walked to the ground-floor windows in attempt to simply break in…
“Huh, what’s this?”
The sight before me made me speechless.
From what I could see, all first-floor windows had been boarded up from the outside.
Should I spend time prying them loose, Aqua would definitely be alerted and intervene.
Even though I’m the victim here, I still ended up in this situation.
Despite the situation, I absolutely refuse to prostrate before that obnoxious woman.
I shouldn’t have done anything unspeakable.
…As I pondered, a small item suddenly landed near my feet.
Looking up, I saw Megumin’s shadow, having discreetly tossed something out her window.
I turned my attention toward the object that fell, which appeared familiar…
Ah, could that be it?
It was Megumin’s beloved wallet.
Megumin seems to have given me some change in fear that I burned through all of mine in Elroad.
On second thought, the bank book had been left home, too; so truthfully, for someone who had lost his wallet, this was a lifesaver.
In the end, Megumin left expressionlessly without a second look.
I picked up her wallet when another shadow appeared on the ground.
Looking up once again, I saw a cloth-wrapped object being dropped down, landing with a poof.
Through the window, I could vaguely recognize a head of flowing golden hair gleaming in the sunset.
Darkness seems to have also smuggled something out for me.
While I’m thankful for them, I still wish they had used this time to convince that idiot instead.
Inside the package Darkness threw down were my familiar bow and quiver.
It also had my often-used grappling hook arrow. With this, Darkness’ plans became clear.
To buy dinner with Megumin’s cash, then use the bow and hook Darkness dropped to climb my way home through the second-floor windows at night… That’s likely the intention.
…I would never have thought I’d be forced to infiltrate my own home.
Now, how would I pull this off?
“900 Eris in total.”
Back when I infiltrated Darkness’ household, my strength had been buffed by Aqua’s magic, making the job significantly easier.
While I do have the bow and hook thanks to Darkness, could I still sneak in as silently as before without Aqua’s strength buff?
Finishing dinner at the pub, I opened Megumin’s wallet to pay…
From the wallet chock-full of coupon and gift cards, I pulled out an 1000 Eris bill and paid.
“Here’s 100 Eris of change. Thank you for visiting, come again soon!”
Why do I feel so inhumane spending Megumin’s money?
While her coupon stash suggests that she will make a great wife, spending her money still hurts my conscience.
The girl usually lets me handle all the money.
The share I do give her were mostly sent home. When I get in, I ought to return her money in excess, even if she refuses to take it.
…But one thing still concerns me; this time, Aqua is the biggest roadblock to my infiltration.
Being normally dumb, she chose an inopportune time to be smart.
Plus, she has better night-vision than me.
It’d be easy if she fell asleep early from drinking, but that mood-blind imbecile is most likely wide-awake at this inopportune hour.
While I can’t be sure, that’s certainly what my experience with her so far is telling me.
While I felt that Aqua wouldn’t be a problem once inside, being caught by her mid-climb would surely end horribly.
As I schemed my infiltration, I killed time by waddling slowly along the streets, hoping the girls would be asleep by the time I arrived.
“Oho, long time no see, the gigolo who had just enjoyed a succulent meal paid by the girl who fancies him. Nice to see thee on a walk tonight. The full moon filleth the air with magical power, making the perfect environment for walks! After a walk, I plan to climb atop an Axis church and replace their symbol with this particularly erotic radish. Mindst thou coming along?”
“…I’d rather not. Careful not to get torn to shreds when they find out.”
I met Vanir on the way.
Within his hands is a sensually-shaped radish.
Since devils don’t sleep, he must have a plenty of free time every night.
“Say, Vanir, you’re free right now, aren’t you? Could you help me?”
To invade a house protected by a goddess, I turned to the dark side for help.
Couldn’t help but feel immoral…
“Ohh? To ask that, thou must know of the trade-offs in dealing with a devil, dost thou not? I only offer assistance at a price. As a powerful devil, I expect a hefty payback in return. Dost thou understand?”
Vanir put on a very fittingly devilish smile.
Sure, he’s a little scary by himself, but I’m much more concerned about this sexy radish he’s holding. Terribly concerned.
“Next time I head to Wiz’s, I’ll mass purchase all the garbage and overpay.”
“Praise this customer! Thou canst count on me! …Wouldst thou also have this radish as a bonus?”
—Deep in the night at three-quarters past one, silence surrounds us.
The perfect time for NEETs and devils alike.
“Hey, don’t laugh at such a time! What made you so hyped tonight!?”
While everyone dreamed under the stars, Vanir and I arrived at the mansion.
“Muahahahaha! I am unnaturally hyped tonight! Striking a goddess under the full moon; how could I possibly calm myself?”
I have a feeling that this guy wasn’t the best choice.
Anyways, here’s the plan.
First, I attempt infiltrating normally.
Although I have no support magic, if I make it, job well done.
However, if I was unable to climb up alone or was discovered midway, Vanir would assault the mansion.
Like that time when she caught the succubus, Aqua would surely have an anti-demon barrier set up.
To distract Aqua, Vanir simply needs to touch the barrier.
And I shall use that chance to sneak in.
The primary objective is to completely enter the mansion, and use whatever means necessary to make peace with Aqua. If unsuccessful, secure and defend the mansion.
The backup objective is to retrieve the passbook from my room.
Frankly, with money, I couldn’t care less about being locked out. I could simply rent a unit and live leisurely until she gets a grip.
Well, rather, living that way may even be better than blatantly squandering time as I had before.
But nonetheless, the plan is settled. As Vanir spectated, I took aim at my bedroom window and…!
I suddenly felt violated.
My bedroom window had been boarded up from the inside.
I frantically checked the other windows, only to find those boarded up, too.
I only know of one person who is useless and petty enough to do this.
My plan has already hit a roadblock. As I started to panic, I suddenly noticed that not all windows have been fortified.
The windows of occupied rooms weren’t boarded up.
Presumably from steadfast objection by Megumin and Darkness to have their windows obstructed.
And Aqua likely trusted Darkness and Megumin to prevent my entry.
By the fact they had passed me a wallet and my bow, I could safely assume that they’re on my side.
“Vanir, could you use your foresight on me real quick? See whether Megumin’s or Darkness’ room is a better choice.”
“Ohh? A pungent aura still lingering around you blinds my vision a little. Although…from what I could tell, infiltrating either room yields the same result; however, choosing the Crimson Beggar girl’s room is better overall. Thou shalt enjoy a little bonus there. Go ahead.”
Vanir answered my question confidently.
So, entering either rooms gives the same ending. But what is the bonus he speaks of?
“Megumin’s window it is. Okay, I’m off!”
I walked directly under Megumin’s window and fired my grapple at the roof.
To minimize noise, I had aimed at the furthest corner.
At this distance, missing is impossible with a combination of Snipe and Farsight.
The grapple hooked the roof flawlessly. I tested the dangling rope by giving it a few forceful tugs.
Scanning the perimeter, I saw no sign of alertness within the house.
I turned around to signal Vanir that I’ll start climbing.
The next step would be climbing along the rope up to Megumin’s room…
Climb up to…
Climbing without magic buffs is unexpectedly difficult!
Either the rope is too slippery or my arms are simply too weak.
Even then, I still gripped the rope tightly, eventually reaching the top.
I grabbed the rope with my left hand as my right held onto the roof.
I took a deep breath; after calming down a little, I knocked on the window.
A short while later, Megumin came to open the curtains; seeing me, she ever so slightly smiled.
As if an illusion, Megumin appeared cheerful. She clicked opened the window, when suddenly…
“Room check! Megumin, are you awake as told? I have a feeling that man will likely try to infiltrate Megumin or Darkness’ bedroom right about now! You guys may feel sleepy these days, but try to adapt alright?”
Aqua’s voice came from Megumin’s room.
Out of all the moments she could and should have used her brain cells, why did she have to use them now…!
Just how much trouble would be saved had she been this clairvoyant in daily life!?
Hearing the commotion, Megumin frantically closed the curtains.
“I’m awake, Aqua. It’s all fine, no problems here. Why don’t you take a rest too, Aqua? Besides, a slight infiltration couldn’t be that bad; after all, Kazuma seems to have had his memory wiped, shouldn’t we go easier on him…?”
Immediately following Megumin’s comment, the door violently slammed open.
“No way in hell, Megumin! Zero tolerance for that dirty hikikomori! I get it now, Megumin must be the type that would walk a thousand miles for the man she loves even though he’s total garbage! And no matter how many times he screws us over, you’d always forgive him out of affection—that’s what my all-seeing eyes are telling me!”
“W-w-w-what are you talking about!? I-it’s nothing like that…!”
Aqua’s confrontation shocked Megumin into panic mode.
Seeing Megumin’s reaction, Aqua hmphed as if she has heard enough…
No, please drop it.
Normally, I’d happy to hear more on that topic, but please leave it for now!
“Megumin, Megumin, you couldn’t possibly be…”
“What!? Possibly be what!?”
As Megumin and Aqua took their time to bicker, the rope turned slippery from my palm sweat.
Now that I’m hanging , my hands began to tremble…!
Can we save these romance drama scenes for later!?
“Megumin… You! That Dust thug, could you possibly be…!”
“Not at all.”
My sweaty hands are losing grip on the rope and window sill. I began to slip as my balance also failed.
Damn, someone help me!
The one who answered my prayer…
…was neither the useless, self-proclaimed goddess nor the true goddess whom I only meet after death.
“Muahahaha! Muahahahaha! Come out, come out and fight, toilet goddess! Tonight, the moon is waxed, a priceless moment for the great I whose magic power is at its absolute peak! As a duke of hell, I’m here to send thee back to whence thou came’st!”
The perpetually deficit-stricken magic tool shop assistant announced his presence from the front door.
“Now, Kazuma! Aqua’s storming to the front door, quick, grab my hand!”
I grabbed Megumin’s outstretched hand and used my other arm to push myself up.
Having a higher Strength stat than me, Megumin lifted me into the room.
—Some voices came from afar.
“You’ve finally shown your true self, you mentally defective devil! Right back at you; I’ll send you whence you came first!”
“Bring it on, bring it on! I’d like to see thee try! Take this, Vanir-style—!”
While listening to those two holler…
I slipped into the room holding Megumin’s hand, barely catching my breath.
Megumin, also still holding on tightly, closed the window.
Finally infiltrating the room, I took ragged breaths as I remained in Megumin’s tight embrace, hands still held.
“Wait…! K-Kazuma, your breathing! Your breathing sounds so wrong! The mere scene of us hugging as you’re gasping and repeatedly moaning my name just looks terribly wrong!”
I wanted to express my gratitude, but couldn’t catch my breath.
Indeed, judging by the setup, any sane person would think this is a night raid.
“Aqua, what’s all this fuss about… Vanir, what do you want from us at such an hour!? Everyone’s been irate lately, now with you here…!”
“Haw, aren’t thou the little girl who’s been restless over the brat for being apart for a week? She who suffers from loneliness, she who craves fulfilment and is left somewhat anxious ergo? Well, tonight—“
“What do you meaaaaaaannnn—!”
Darkness and Vanir’s joyful conversation echoed from the front door, but I couldn’t care less.
I should control my breath and get off Megumin first.
But Megumin only tightened her hold.
“Well done, Darkness! Keep holding him down! Sacred Exorcism!”
“Gahhhhhh!? No, that’s impossible! I…I have been defeated…even under the empowerment of the full moon, at my absolute peak…!”
“W-we did it…!” x2
The outside was very noisy.
That bunch is fighting as always, making Megumin’s calm embrace seem like a remarkable feat in comparison.
This gives me the vibe of skipping class in school as everyone else studies to hide alone somewhere discreet—like a sports equipment room—with a girl and…
Of course, I’ve never actually experienced that.
“Ahahahahaha! Didst thou think thou hast won? Unfortunately, what thou hast killed was only an erotic radish! Thou canst have it as a participation award.”
“Oho, please refrain from pursuing in silence! After much wait, I’ve finally tasted such delicious negative emotions! Having accomplished my goal, I shall call it here. So long!”
“Darkness, flank him from behind! Take him out! Tonight, we’ll remove this clown that trolls for a living, once and for all!”
“A-Aqua, what should we do with the sexy radish…!?”
Amidst their cheerful bickering,
“Welcome home. Although life in the capital was great, only everyday conflicts and arguments like this can breathe life into the mansion. Please don’t leave us on your own accord again, alright?”
Keeping me in her arms, Megumin gently patted my back.
Taking a deep breath and composing myself, I decided to break contact with Megumin’s body.
…Yet she won’t let go.
“Hey, Megumin, I’m not going anywhere. I’m already home, so isn’t it time to let me loose?”
Should we keep hugging like this, I was afraid spicy things might end up happening.
Yet, Megumin only kept her tight grasp and replied,
“Had you let the much stronger Darkness pull you up, I think your entry would’ve been much easier. Despite that, you specifically came to my room; so, ”
However, I only chose her room because Vanir told me so; nothing about strength passed my mind either. Since we’re here, I’d better keep the truth hidden.
Although, he really lived up to his name of Devil of Foresight. This must be the “bonus” he spoke of.
Next time I ought to gift his store with a clear-out sale.
By the way, what exactly is my current relationship with Megumin?
Sure, we confessed, but it has been at a standstill ever since.
No, it’s understandable with all this bodyguard business happening in Elroad along with other nonsense. But isn’t it about time for some development now?
In the end, nothing really happened between me and Iris. that makes me a pretty faithful man.
Since Megumin herself seems to tolerate hugging, I guess I should get on the offensive this time.
Just as I was about to dramatically return her embrace…
“Hurry up and make up with Aqua, alright? She kept saying everyday ‘is that wanton NEET still not home? Still not home!?’ While you were away, she always seemed bored, a bit lonely, even.”
“She also prepared dinner for Kazuma every night, calling it ‘the portion for the wanton NEET who’s still out-and-about’. In the end, she force-fed Darkness the extra food.”
So Darkness also sustained her share of the fallout.
Hearing Megumin’s thoughts, I turned my would-be hug into a hold on the shoulder.
Even though I rarely get such a wonderful opportunity, such a perfect atmosphere…
“…Let me go tie up the loose ends with that idiot. We’ll continue once I get back.”
“N-not continuing, definitely not!”
Though saying that, her face showed a tinge of disappointment.
But more importantly, she looked glad for her teammates.
“Go on now!”
She said to my back as I went out to look for Aqua.
“—Ahh! Burglar! Darkness, a burglar just broke into the beautiful goddess’ mansion! Go catch him!”
I ran into a screaming Aqua on my way to the front door.
Her reaction on seeing me together with her bare feet and pajamas did little to corroborate the title of a “beautiful goddess”.
Hearing her command, Darkness only glanced back and forth between Aqua and I conflictingly.
“…Hey, Aqua, isn’t it about time that you made up with Kazuma… Owieowieowie! Cut it out, Aqua, don’t pull my hair!”
Darkness cried aloud from having her hair yanked.
“Darkness, do you really enjoy being abandoned by this NEET so much? When you received letters saying that he wanted to live with Iris, you breathed heavily and complained about being cucked. If we all keep spoiling Kazuma, there’d truly be no saving this despicable man! Hell, I think he’s far beyond saving already!”
This damn woman.
“Hey, not that I want to pick a fight, but I must make myself clear. I never betrayed you guys. Think about it, am I that superficial of a man? Did you think I would ditch my dear companions for Iris? I’m neither trashy nor lolicon-y enough to do that. While Iris is precious to me; at the end of the day, she’s still my sister. Do you honestly believe I’d make moves on girls that age?”
Aqua was briefly taken aback by my outburst, but—
“Thou , as the useless trash whose only abilities in the previous life were rock-paper-scissors and gaming, should reflect on how thou died in the first place. Remember whom thou were trying to protect before entering this world. Had the person in question been a senior, thou probably wouldn’t have batted an eye. Set aside that surficial dignity and tell us thy true self: My name is Satou Kazuma, and I am the loliNEET!”
“Since when did saving a high school girl make one a lolicon!? Don’t you get all cocky for conquering my home, either; tonight, I’ll teach you a lesson!”
I could no longer bear Aqua’s insults.
“Darkness, protect me! Come shield me against this dangerous intruder!”
“Hey, what!? Wait a minute…!”
Aqua immediately hid behind Darkness. Meanwhile, I clenched my fists and started eyeing their distances.
“Watch as I Drain Touch all your stamina, Bind you up then throw you into Emperor Zell’s pen! Repent!”
“Come at me then, you damn NEET! Do you really believe an undead skill can hinder me!? Mind you, this is a 2v1, so don’t expect to win!”
“W-wait, I never agreed to fight Kazuma…!”
Before Darkness could finish, I lunged at Aqua.
Lying on the carpet and pinned by Aqua, I groaned.
Beside me lies Darkness, bound in ropes, limp with eyes rolled back due to the effects of Drain Touch.
Aqua can easily undo debuffs like Bind, and Darkness can block any close-up attacks.
Like so, I was pinned down by Aqua after she buffed herself.
I underestimated her. Her superior base stats don’t lie.
And skills like “God’s Blow” or “God’s Requiem” really make you wonder if she’s in fact the goddess of bar fights.
I truly, sincerely hope this girl would put at least a fraction of her potential to use on a daily basis.
On a side note, Darkness only fell because she was caught between Aqua and I.
“Huff…huff…! You…you were a tough one huh, Kazuma? But still, since the victor is clear, come on! Apologize to me! Just say sorry and I’ll forgive you!”
Aqua claimed proudly, as she straddled me.
I said to Aqua,
“…I did nothing wrong this time. Forget trying to satisfy Iris’ final wish, even my memory’s gone; therefore, I have no reason to apologize! Do you not realize that I have one last trick up my sleeve? Mark my words: tomorrow, you’ll be begging for my forgiveness in tears!”
Having no wrongdoings to be ashamed of, I refuted honorably.
“Haw, fighting to your last breath, huh? I was about to call this a wrap here, but you seem to want more. No problem! You have your schemes, and I have my measures. Kazuma, I hereby swear as the Goddess of Water to never let a step inside this house without an apology! You are now banished! I can already see you crying while saying sorry tomorrow!”
I fell deep in thought as I viewed my mansion from afar.
There’s a common cliché in mangas where the good-hearted male lead gets subjected to violence from the female lead due to a misunderstanding.
Or in other words, the male lead had no bad intentions, yet he still gets miserably beaten by the female lead for peeking at something out of curiosity.
In some cases, even though the female lead isn’t in a relationship with the male lead, she still gets unreasonably salty just from seeing him walk alongside another girl.
In a way, scenarios like these could spell great fun for manga readers.
As the onlooking audience, not only do you feel zero pressure; but perhaps even a bit of schadenfreude.
However, my opinion is different.
If I were the male lead in question, I would strike back against those illogical females in an instant.
“Waaaaah! K-Kazuma‑san! Master Kazuma!!”
There exists a powerful force of justice in this world, specifically to control these unsensible yet violent actions.
Innocent civilians can rely on this power and use it freely. Those who are unreasonable, utilize unjust violence or commit crimes yet feel that they “should be forgiven due to being female” are the ones that ought to feel ashamed.
“Kazuma‑sama! I’ve…always thought that Kazuma‑sama was in fact a very—well, a generally amiable man! Plus, from all the time we’ve spent together, you should know that mutual understanding is the key to solving conflicts…!”
I pointed at Aqua, who’s crying and yelling from the upper window.
“Officer, it’s her.”
“After surveying the real estate office, we’ve confirmed your ownership of this property, Satou Kazuma‑san. Next, we shall proceed to reclaim your illegally occupied housing.”
I fulfilled my duty as a citizen by calling the police on the criminal in my mansion.
“Kazuma‑san! Master Kazuma! Waaaaaaaah! Kazuma‑samaaaaa!”
Seeing the police rush in, Aqua entered a state of panic, repeatedly calling my name.
“I-I-I-I’m um, Kazuma’s housemate, so…!”
“Is that true? It’d be big news indeed if the Lady of House Dustiness turned out to be a criminal.”
Inside the cordoned mansion, Darkness, who failed to escape in time, was being questioned.
Megumin had an ominous feeling long before the law enforcement arrived and slipped away early.
And here I thought she was the most trustworthy of us. Guess I was mistaken.
“Waaaaaaah! Kazuma‑sama! Kazuma‑sama! Please forgive me, Kazuma‑sama! I’m sorry, it’s all my fault! please forgive me Kazuma‑sama! Are my apologies not enough Kazuma‑sama!??”
Wailing apologies, Aqua was being taken into custody.
I walked up beside her.
“Good morning, Goddess of Water. Are you sure you’re not going to let me back in before I’ve said sorry?”
“I’m sorry, Kazuma‑sama! I’ll be obedient from now on! I won’t ever doubt you again! Please forgive me!”
Aqua cried for forgiveness as two police officers dragged her away.
I put on an incredibly smug look and exclaimed,
“AHHH, WHERE WOULD YOU ALL BE WITHOUT ME!?”
I sat down in my long-awaited VIP spot on the living room sofa.
“Kazuma‑sama, your tea’s ready.”
I leaned back, dangling one arm behind the sofa and stretched out my legs. Meanwhile, Aqua delivered my tea.
I expressed gratitude for Aqua’s attentive service and took a sip.
“You useless maid! The hell was that!? Wasn’t that pure water!? How many times do I have to tell you: don’t even slightly touch the tea otherwise it’ll turn to water, so be careful! Remake it! Right now! Go re-brew my tea!”
“Ahhh, my sincere apologies, Kazuma‑sama! Your tea will be remade shortly!”
Hearing my complaint, Aqua hurried away with surprising fervor.
She seems unconcerned, as if playing some new, whacky game.
“The problem appears to be solved. To be truthful, I’m just happy that everyone can all sit together in this living room once more.”
Said Megumin as she leisurely sipped Aqua’s tea beside me.
That bastard evidently can make people regular tea, yet mine is always water. She must be deliberately looking for trouble.
As if her real goal is to be yelled at.
Staring somewhat jealously at Aqua, Darkness said,
“All aside, it’s all good as long as you’re here in one piece… And please don’t call the cops so rashly again…”
She shot me an accusing look.
Well, don’t be criminals then.
“Your tea’s here!”
“I appreciate it.”
Aqua brought forth her new tea, made with uncharacteristic efficiency.
I took a cup and sipped from it to find…!
“What did I say? This is pure freaking water! Couldn’t you use your brain for once!?”
“Ahh! I’m extremely sorry Kazuma‑sama! I, your servant, will go remake it right away…!”
Aqua responded with a tinge of joy. Darkness then said,
“Aqua, if you mess up every time, just let me do it. That way, Kazuma won’t have to yell at you anymore. Then… I’ll be the only one he needs to yell at…”
She had stood up to take action when…
“Hey Darkness! I’ve finally caught this rare chance to play the Dustiness Maid game, so step aside!”
Aqua replied rudely.
“Hey, so the real reason you kept purifying my tea on purpose was to imitate Darkness’ perverted maids?”
“Not exactly; I’ve always directly poured you hot water.”
“Hold on a second you two, there’s nothing wrong with the maids of my family!”
Just as Darkness objected, Aqua took out a pre-dipped brush.
“Kazuma‑sama, to punish this useless Dustiness maid, please doodle all you want on my body!”
“As I said, our maids would never ask for something like that!”
I ignored Darkness, picked up Aqua’s brush and scribbled a few lines on her face.
Then, all the ink trails quickly faded to water.
Watching it all take place, Megumin couldn’t help but smile.
I turned to face her and smiled back when…
“Ahh! Ouch ouch ouch…”
I covered the rib that was hurt by Aqua during last night’s melee.
Suddenly, Aqua gasped in shock.
“That must be an injury from last night. So sorry, Kazuma‑sama! Well, today, I’ll go out of my way and use the most powerful healing spell in existence.”
“Sacred Highness Heal!”
With that, she casually casted the restoration spell.
I instinctively murmured after being healed.
“What is it?”
Aqua tilted her head in confusion.
“What’s wrong Kazuma‑sama? That was the strongest healing magic I know of, was it not enough?”
“Err…Ah, no. It was great. Th-thanks a lot, Aqua. Now I feel much more relaxed. And by the way, since we’re mates, stop calling me ‘Kazuma‑sama’, just ‘Kazuma’ is fine; otherwise, I’d feel isolated.”
I tried my best to act normal.
(Darkness) “…What happened to you? Nonetheless, that was an admirable thought after having said ‘since Aqua suspected you for a week, she shall call you by ‑sama for another week’. After all, you’re right about us getting closer as teammates.”
With that, Darkness smiled gracefully.
Megumin followed suit, but then…
Aqua pushed her face directly in front of mine and stared into my soul.
“…Wh-what is it?”
“…Nothing. I just promised to never suspect Kazuma again.”
Though saying that, she continued to stare at me point-blank.
It must’ve been Aqua’s restoration magic.
It had completely restored all the memories that had been erased; and now, I couldn’t look at her straight.
What do I do?
Only a while ago, I had been righteously asserting my innocence; but now, I couldn’t even fathom how trashy I was.
To the point where I couldn’t even deny titles like “Scumzuma” or “Kazutrash” anymore.
As a last-ditch attempt, I took out the letter.
“Aqua, remember this? It must’ve been from a week ago for you yet it feels brand new to me, who’s suffering from amnesia. Now, let’s see the passion you felt! Think about the real cause we’re here for!”
Even when given the letter, she still persisted.
Gradually losing composure, I abruptly stood up from the sofa.
“Anyways! Let’s head to the Adventurer’s Guild! We’ll take quests—for the safety of Axel, and the world!”
Aqua continued to stare from mere centimeters away. Non-stop.
—Five minutes later, my façade of humility crumbled as I prostrated to beg for everyone’s forgiveness.
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